Robin and Me - How I got to know Robin Byrd

Years ago, in Old New York (prior to the Great Clean Up), I was a spunky, perky college gay activist. It was the late 80's/early 90's and ACT UP was in full swing. Every Monday night, hundreds of angry, sexy gay boots put on their combat boots and worked for a good cause.

We protested together, partied together, and slept together.

One night, I found my 19-year-old gay boy ass at an ACT UP fundraiser at an elementary school somewhere on the lower east side. The cafeteria or gym had sexy gay boys dancing in it. And in one room was a mini school fair with baked goods, crafts, and simple carnival games. I decided to throw a ball and knock down the stack of cans to win a kiss from the hot guy at the kissing booth.

For a buck, I took a shot and amazed, I knocked down the six cans. I got my ticket to the kissing booth!

I walked over and saw a busty blond woman standing in one of the stalls. I asked, "Where's the guy?"

"He's in the bathroom, but you can kiss me! Just pretend I don't have these breasts."

OK, I thought, and I kissed her.

Not just a peck kiss, but a LONG tongue kiss. It was my first real heterosexual kiss, and still is. I told her.

She was so pleased, there was a look of sincere pleasure in her eyes. "That's so sweet", she said, with her hands pressed to her bussom.

I smiled and stepped away to my friends. They looked at me, blankly.

"Do you know who that was?"

"No", I said.

"That was Robin Byrd. You just french kissed Robin Byrd."

And oh where her lips have been!

Whenever you need someone to love, you always have Robin Byrd

A year after making out with Robin Byrd, I was dropping off public access tapes at Manhattan cable when I bumped in Robin, with her "Mr. Gopher", Shelly.

I said Hi, and asked her if she remembered me. She was my first real heterosexual kiss.

It immediately took her back to my magical night.

She hugged me as if we were old friends. Shelly looked me up and down and asked "Can you dance?" (that, I think, was my missed oppurtunity to dance on the Robin Byrd show.)

She told me that my first heterosexual kiss stayed with her. Then she started telling me about how much she loves her gay audience and a little story about her and the Rambles.

For non-New Yorkers, there's a special place in Central Park called the Rambles which is known for it's mystical foresty atmosphere and the occassional gay suck or fuck fest.

It was a dark and rainy night. Robin was walking through the Rambles in her orange raincoat, her flashlight pressed close to her body.

A man in the middle of the forest floor was sprinkling the ashes of his departed lover on the grass.

Through his tears, he looked up, and parting the mist, in her glowing orange slicker, walked Robin Byrd.

She stopped in front of him.

"Robin," he said "you always say on your show that whenever you need a loved one, you always have me, Robin Byrd. And right now, I really need someone, and here you are!"

She hugged him tightly while he cried.

Either Talk Quietly or have something more Interesting to Say

My ipod keeps me sane, because if I had to listen to people's conversations, I would kill people.

But there are sometimes that I'm unable to listen to my ipod, like right before a plane takes off, and you have to turn off all electronic devices. Which I don't really understand, because if a plane is going to malfunction because I have my ipod on, then do I really want to be on that plane?

I'm sitting on the runway, with my ipod off, waiting, and the guy behind me was blah blah blahing - loudly.

Now, he, for some reason, kept his GPS navigation unit going. And he was giving the woman next to him, a blow by blow account of all of the roads in the neighborhood.

Which is like listing to someone read the phone book to you.

And she, for whatever reason, was fascinated.

I turned around and gave him a dirty look. He continued undaunted.

The plane landed and I left my cell phone on the flight.

The next morning, I'm in the hotel, I have to call the police and get a lost claim report for the insurance company.

I told my friend, that you know it's going to be a great day when the first call you make is to the police station.

He corrected me: You know it's going to be a great day when the first call you make is FROM the police station.

Anyway, the guy behind me, the talker, picked up my phone and called my cell phone carrier.

I had to see him the next day and get my phone from him.

Fuck me.